


Apocalypse Beauties

by closetcellist



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crack, Gen, Toddlers & Tiaras
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 10:28:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closetcellist/pseuds/closetcellist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A <i>Good Omens</i> AU where Crowley's plants are his kids and he's a crazy pageant parent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apocalypse Beauties

**Author's Note:**

  * For [QueenSabriel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenSabriel/gifts).



> I have no excuse for this. I've recently become addicted to trolling the GO tag on Tumblr, on which are plenty of "A Good Omens AU where x" and also _Toddlers & Tiaras_.

Crowley: “I don’t think pageants are child abuse at all.”

[Cue Theme Music]

 

Aziraphale, aside: “This is our first time doing a full glitz pageant.” He looks a little worried.  “But Jane’s done so well in the natural pageants that we thought we’d give it a try.  She loves performing,” [cut to a clip of Jane, 6, sitting in her father’s bookshop, reading quietly] “and I don’t think you really need to spend thousands of dollars on a dress to win."

 

Crowley, aside: “I definitely think money plays a role in winning.  Iris’ dress cost,” he pauses, as if he can’t remember “$3,000. We had it custom made, because it has to fit right.  If you don’t have the money, you can’t get what you need to get to be prepared.”

 

“Beauty hurts,” Iris, 5, lisps. “That means whenever your dad puts something on you to make you beautiful it hurts.”

 

Crowley, leading Iris into her room, one wall of which is covered by shelves full of crowns, and underneath, trophies, some of which are as tall as six feet.  “Do you want to show me which one’s your favorite?” Crowley asks, already turning to pick out the one he thinks she’s going to pick.  It’s not the one she picks.  
“I like this one,” Iris says—the crown is smallish (smaller than some of them, at any rate). “This one, cause that was the most fun one.”

Crowley picks up one of the largest crowns. “Do you remember when you won this one?” he asks, completely ignoring her. “You got Ultimate Grand Supreme.  And Eden Wood only got Grand Supreme.” He looks excessively proud.

Iris, aside: [rolls her eyes heavily and sassily]

 

Aziaphale, aside: “We’re not going to be tanning like some of the girls. Jane didn’t want to, and I’m not a fan of putting chemicals on children.”

 

Crowley, leading Iris to a tanning salon: “Iris, we’re going to get your tan, are you excited?” this is clearly for the benefit of the cameras.  Iris, well trained, says “Yes” unenthusiastically.

During the tanning:

Iris, less well trained now, shrieks, “It’s COOOOOOOOLD!”

After that, Iris is taken to a nail parlor, where she refuses to sit still for more than five minutes. Crowley takes her off the seat and pulls her to the corner. A conversation that is certainly meant to be private, displayed on the screen in subtitles for those who can’t understand hissed whispers: “You are going to behave. Do you understand me? Look at—look at me, Iris. Do you understand?  If you don’t sit still, I’m taking away your iPod.”  Iris sits still for the rest of the appointment.

 

Cut to Aziraphale, with Jane, doing her nails at the kitchen table.  They look less professionally done, but Jane doesn’t complain.  They talk happily.

 

The pageant coordinator: “We’ve got a really fun theme this time: The apocalypse!” [awkward pause with cricket sounds overlaid] “We’re really excited to see what the kids come up with for that.” [cue a clip of Aziraphale and Jane pulling up to the hotel hosting the pageant in a smallish car, Jane lugging an adorable piece of luggage and offering to help Aziraphale with one of the larger boxes.] “I know that we’re going to see Jane, who hasn’t done a full glitz pageant before, but has done really well in the natural circuit.  We’ll see if she can bring the glitz!” [cue clip of Crowley and Iris pulling up in a Bentley. Iris jumps out, pulling a pink wheelie luggage behind her, walking briskly away from the car while Crowley struggles with the rest of the stuff. He shouts after her] “Iris is also going to be at this pageant. She’s a little firecracker [everyone in the audience immediately translates this to ‘brat’] and so is her father [everyone in the audience translates this to ‘nut,’ though they’ve seen the evidence already].  She’s won several Grand and Ultimate Grand Supreme titles already, so she’s going to be the one to beat.”

 

In the hotel rooms:

Aziraphale: “I’m going to be doing Jane’s hair,” he says, putting curlers in “and I’m hoping this goes well.”  He also attempts her makeup. It looks… She fixes it.

 

Crowley: “Close your eyes so I can put these lashes on.” Iris freaks out, “No! NOooooooooooo! I don’t _want them_!” Crowley frowns. “All of the other girls are going to have them. If you don’t wear them, the judges will know, and you will lose.” Iris eventually calms down enough to let him put them on, but she continues to complain about them on and off for the rest of the pageant.

 

During the Beauty Round:

Pageant coordinator: “Our scores are based on a full glitz, full package contestant.”

Iris and Jane are sizing each up as they wait for their number to be called. “Your dress doesn’t have that many sparkles,” Iris says.

[pan back to show Crowley and Aziraphale sizing each other up as well] “Is this your first time at a glitz pageant?” Crowley asks, seemingly politely.

[Jane is first on stage. She does her routine well.  The judges have nice things to say, though they do note that they would have preferred her tan.  Iris also does well, though she watches Crowley, performing the routine in the audience for her to watch, more than the judges.  The judges notice.]

 

During the Apocalypse Round:

[most children are wearing angel or devil costumes—Iris is dressed in a red dress that, some might say, is too short for a 5-year-old, with tiny devil horns on that look cute but you can tell they aren’t comfortable because her mood isn’t good.  Crowley is alternately threatening to take away toys and offering to buy new ones if she just leaves them alone.  Jane is dressed in white, a longer dress than most, but with adorable wings. One of the other competitors is wearing all black, and another is dressed as Jesus.]

[Iris, on stage, is sassy and performs her routine well, though Crowley is, once again, performing the moves for her in the audience.]

One of the judges: “I thought her dress was a little short, but she has a really good stage presence.”

[Jane, on stage, falters during her routine, but Aziraphale just smiles encouragingly at her and gives her a cue and she picks it back up.]

Aziraphale, to Jane after she’s left the stage: “Give me a kiss, dear. Oh, you did so well!”

 

During Crowning:

[neither Iris nor Jane are called during their age division crowning, meaning they’ve been pulled for a higher title.  Crowley looks surprised that Jane made it past division.  He is unreasonably tense, given the rest of the competition that’s been shown during this episode.]

“And now we are moving on to our Supreme titles!  Our Photo Beauty Supreme is, contestant number 7, Jane!” [Crowley looks relieved. Jane and Aziraphale are ecstatic.]  “Our Talent Supreme, number 4, Cassie!” [Again, a look of relief; these are the lower titles, and not what the crazy parents…I mean, most of the children really want.] “And now moving on to our Grand Supreme, number 6, Iris!” [Iris flounces up to the stage, but Crowley looks vaguely disappointed.  She accepts her crown and fan made of money with a smile, though it isn’t the professional smile she wore throughout the competition.  Samantha wins the Ultimate Grand Supreme. Those of us watching at home are vaguely disappointed we couldn't follow her story.]

 

Asides, after the competition:

Aziraphale: “Jane did wonderfully, but I think we’re going to stick with natural pageants.  I’ve very happy she won Photo Beauty Supreme, of course, but I don’t think glitz is where we belong.”

 

Crowley: “I thought she deserved Ultimate, but maybe the judges were looking for something other than perfection.” He crosses his arms. “Of course, we’ll do better at the next pageant. Iris loves pageants and she’s going to want to work harder so she can win the Ultimate next time.”

 

Iris: “The pageant is _oveeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrr_. I’m done.” She pulls off her false eyelashes. “Ouch.”

 

[Roll Credits]


End file.
